All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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