I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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