We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
