I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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