Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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