I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
