Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
