Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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