I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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