My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
