remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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