My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
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Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
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The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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