ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
