I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
