just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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