First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He? As in you personified your dick?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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