Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
