Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
