Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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