One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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