Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
