I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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