You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.