Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
