if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
