dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
