I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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