I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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