I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
