When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
