He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
