oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
