My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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