your room smells of hookers.
And success
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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