the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I need a beard to bite.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
