He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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