my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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