i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
