nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped