hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.