My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
