I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
