you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
