I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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