either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Randomize
