It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
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they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
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I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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