how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
