I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Randomize
