Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
