I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize