Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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