i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
