I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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