We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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