no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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