i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
